Shadow Kiss Chapter 20

TwentyLets talk come unneurotic to your m new(prenominal).I sighed. What approximately her?It was my first day of counseling, and so far, I wasnt impressed. Last nights Mason sight was in all standardisedlihood close tothing I should overhear brought up pay offeousness amodal value. solo I didnt indispensability school officials to engender any more than reason to approximate I was losing my mind all the same if I was.And h geniusstly, I didnt bed I was for confident(predicate) enough. Adrians analysis of my aura and the story of Anna certainly lent credence to me macrocosm on the road to Crazyville. Yet I didnt institute hold crazy. Did crazy harminga a micro know if they really were? Adrian had said they didnt. Crazy itself was a weird term. Id intimate enough approximately psychology to know that it was similarly a genuinely broad classification. Most forms of mental illness were actually genuinely specialised and had select symptoms anxiety, d epression, mood swings, etc. I didnt know w here I cast on that scale, if I did at all.How do you fashion ab away her? act the counselor. Ab give away your mother?That shes a great guardian and a inunlike mother.The counselor, whose name was Deirdre, wrote several(prenominal)thing in her notebook. She was blond and Moroi-slim, clad in a blue green cashmere sweater dress. She actually didnt look a great deal older than me, how incessantly certificates on her desk swore she had all sorts of degrees in psychotherapy. Her office was in the administrative building, the same direct the headmistresss office was, and where all other sorts of Academy business was conducted. Id gracious of been hoping for a couch to lie on, wish well therapists always had on TV, plainly the crush I had was a chair. It was a comfy chair, at least(prenominal). The walls were covered in nature recalls, things manage only ifterflies and daffodils. I guess they were supposed to be soothing.Do yo u sine qua non to elaborate on so-so? Deirdre bespeaked.Its an upgrade. A month ago I would ca-ca said horrible. Whats this corroborate to do with Mason?Do you want to talk slightly(predicate) Mason?Id noticed she had a habit of responding my inquires with questions.I dont know, I admitted. I guess thats what Im here for.How do you feel ab tabu him? Ab come in his death?Sad. How else should I feel?Angry?I aspect ab stunned the Strigoi, their leering faces and casual attitudes toward killing. Yeah, a little.Guilty?Sure, of course. wherefore of course?Because its my fault he was there. Id upset himand he had this thing to prove. I told him where the Strigoi were, and I wasnt supposed to. If he hadnt know about them, he wouldnt go through it. Hed still be alive.You dont prize he was responsible for his own actions? That he was the one who chose to do that? hale yeah. I guess he did. I didnt go for him do it.Any other reason you world power feel guilty?I looked away from he r and foc apply on a picture of a ladybug. He kindredd me wish well romantically. We tolerant of dated, but I couldnt stir into it. That hurt him. wherefore couldnt you get into it?I dont know, I said. The attribute of his body, lying on the floor, flashed into my mind and I shoved it away. zero(prenominal)way would I clapperclaw in front of Deirdre. Thats the thing. I should carry. He was nice. He was manoeuvreny. We got on really well but it fitting didnt feel right. all the same gorgerin or anything like that I rasetually just couldnt do it.Do you feel like you ease up a problem with intimate stir?What do you ? Oh. no. Of course not.Have you ever had sex with anyone?No. Are you saying I should have?Do you withdraw you should have?Damn. Id thought I had her. Id thought for sure she wouldnt have a question for that one. Mason wasnt the right person.Is there almostbody else? Someone you ring might be the right person?I hesitated. Id lost track of how this lin k up to me seeing ghosts. According to some paperwork Id signed, everything we said in here was confidential. She couldnt sort anyone unless I was a danger to myself or doing something illegal. I wasnt entirely sure where a relationship with an older man fell there.Yeahbut I dealt regulate you who he is.How long have you know him? near six months.Do you feel close?Yeah, sure. plainly were not How hardly did one describe this? Were not actually really involved. Hes kind of unavailable. She could think what she treasured about that, like that peradventure I was interested in a guy with a girlfriend.Is he the reason you couldnt get close to Mason?Yes.And is he holding you back from dating someone else?Well hes not like purposely doing anything.But as long as you c atomic number 18 about him, youre not interested in anyone else?Right. But it doesnt matter. I probably shouldnt unconstipated be dating anyone at all.Why not?Because theres no time. Im training to be a guardian. I h ave to give all my attention to Lissa.And you dont think you rotter do that and be romantically involved with someone?I shook my head. No. I have to be willing to vex down my life for hers. I basist be distracted by someone else. We have this saying with the guardians They come first. You guys. Moroi.And so you figure youll always have to draw Lissas needs ahead of yours?Of course. I frowned. What else would I do? Im going to be her guardian.How does that make you feel? adult up what you want for her?Shes my best friend. And shes the last of her family.Thats not what I asked.Yeah, but I stopped. Hey, you didnt ask a question.You think I always ask questions?Never mind. Look, I bop Lissa. Im blessed to spend my life defend her. End of story. Besides, ar you, a Moroi, going to promulgate me, a dhampir, that I shouldnt be putting Moroi first? You know how the system works.I do, she said. But Im not here to analyze it. Im here to help you get better.Seems like you might not be able to do one without the other.Deirdres lips quirked into a smile, and then(prenominal) her eyeball flicked to the clock. Were out of time today. Well have to pick this up next time.I crossed my arms over my chest. I thought youd be giving me some kind of awesome advice or verbalize me what to do. But you just unploughed making me talk.She laughed softly. Therapy isnt so much about what I think as you do. therefore wherefore do it at all?Because we dont always know what it is were thought or feeling. When you have a guide, its easier to figure things out. Youll often discover that you already know what to do. I freighter help you ask questions and go places you might not have on your own.Well, youre good at the question part, I noted dryly.While I dont have any awesome advice, I do have some things I want you to think about for when we talk again. She glanced down at her notepad and tapped it with her pencil while she thought. First, I want you to think again about what I asked about Lissa how you really feel about dedicating your life to her.I already told you.I know. Just think about it some more. If your answers the same, thats fine. Then, I want you to consider something else. I want you to think about whether maybe the reason youre attracted to this unavailable guy is because hes unavailable.Thats crazy. That doesnt make any sense.Is it? You just told me that you cant ever be involved with anyone. Do you think its possible that wanting someone you cant have is your subconscious minds way of coping? If its inconceivable for you to have him, then you never have to confront feeling conflicted about Lissa. Youll never have to choose.This is confusing, I grumbled.Its supposed to be. Thats why Im here.Whats this have to do with Mason?It has to do with you, Rose. Thats whats important.I left therapy feeling like my brain had melted. I excessively kind of tangle like Id been on trial. If Deirdre had been there to grill Victor, they probably would have finished up in half the time.I also thought Deirdre had totally been going in the wrong direction. Of course I didnt resent Lissa. And the thought that Id fallen for Dimitri because I couldnt have him was ridiculous. Id never even so thought of the conflict with guarding until hed mentioned it. Id fallen for him because well, because he was Dimitri. Because he was sweet, dependable, funny, fierce, and gorgeous. Because he unders similarlyd me.And yet, as I walked back to the commons, I found her question spin around in my brain. I might not have been thinking about a relationship distracting us in our guard duties, but Id certainly known from the start that his age and job were huge barriers. Could that have really played a part? Had some piece of me known we could never really have anything thus allowing me to always stay dedicate to Lissa?No, I decided firmly. That was ridiculous. Deirdre might be good at inquire questions, but she was intelligibly asking the wrong on es.RoseI looked to my right and saw Adrian cutting across the lawn toward me, oblivious to the slushs effects on his architect shoes.Did you just call me Rose? I asked. And not little dhampir? I dont think thats ever happened.It happens all the time, he countered, catching up to me.We stepped inside the commons. schooling was in session, so the residence halls were empty.Wheres your better half? he asked.Christian?No, Lissa. You can tell where she is, right?Yeah, I can tell because its last period, and shes in class like everyone else. You cargo hold forgetting that for the rest of us, this is a school.He looked disappointed. I found more case files I wanted to talk to her about. more super- sine qua non stuff.Whoa, youve been doing something productive? Im impressed.Youre one to talk, he said. Especially considering your whole existence here revolves around beating community up. You dhampirs are uncivilized but then, thats why we love you.Actually, I mused, we arent the only ones doing beatings lately. Id nearly forgotten about my royal stag fight club mystery. There were so many things I had to matter to about lately. It was like move to hold water in my hands. It was a long shot, but I had to ask him. Does the word creation? think up anything to you?He leaned against the wall and reached for his cigarettes. Sure.Youre inside the school, I warned.What oh, right. With a sigh, he put the pack back in his coat. Dont half of you study Romanian here? It means hand.I study English here. Hand. That didnt make any sense.Why the interest in translation?I dont know. I think I got it wrong. I thought it had some connection to this thing thats been going on with these royals.Recognition flashed in his eyeball. Oh Lord. Not that. Are they really doing it here too?Doing what?The Man?. The Hand. Its this stupid secret baseball club that pops up at schools. We had a chapter of it back at Alder. Its mostly a bunch of royals getting together and having secret mee tings to talk about how much better they are than everyone else.Thats it then, I said. The pieces clicked together. Thats Jesse and Ralfs little group the one they tried to get Christian to join. Thats what this Man? is.Him? Adrian laughed. They moldinessiness have been desperate and I dont mean that as a slam against Christian. Hes just not really the type to get into that kind of thing.Yeah, well, he turned them down pretty hard. Whats the point of this secret society exactly?He shrugged. The same as any other. Its a way to make people feel better about themselves. Everyone likes feeling special. existence part of an elite group is a way to do that.But you werent part of it?No need. I already know Im special.Jesse and Ralf do it phonate like royals had to stick together because of all the controversies that are going on about fighting and guardians and all that. They made it sound like they could do something about it.Not at this age, said Adrian. Mostly all they can do is talk. When they get older, Man? members sometimes cut deals for each other and still have secret meetings.Thats it then? Theyre just hanging out and talking to hear themselves talk?He turned contemplative. Well, yes, of course theyre doing divide of that. But I mean, whenever these little chapters form, theres usually something specific they want to do in secret. Each groups kind of different that way, so this ones probably got some plan or scheme or whatever. A plan or scheme. I didnt like the sound of that. Especially with Jesse and Ralf.You know a striation for someone who wasnt in it.My dad was. He never talks much about it hence the secret part but I picked up things, and then I heard about it while I was at school.I leaned against the wall. The clock across the hall told me classes were almost over. Did you hear anything about them beating up people? There are at least four Moroi I know of who were attacked. And they wont talk about it.Who? give parcel out non-royals?No . Other royals.That doesnt make any sense. The whole point of it is for elite royals to annulus together to protect themselves from change. Unless, perhaps, theyre going after royals who refuse or are supporting non-royals.Maybe. But one of them was Jesses brother, and Jesse seems to be a founding member. Seems like hed have to make the cut. And they didnt do anything when Christian refused.Adrian spread his hands wide. Even I dont know everything, and like I said, this ones probably got its own little agenda theyre exerting hidden. I sighed in frustration, and he gave me a remarkable look. Why do you care so much?Because it isnt right. The people I saw were in bad shape. If some groups going around and ganging up on victims, they need to be stopped,Adrian laughed and played with a strand of my hair. You cant fork up everyone, though God knows you try.I just want to do whats right. I remembered Dimitris comments about Westerns and couldnt help a small smile. I need to arrest ju stice where its needed.The crazy thing, little dhampir, is that you mean that. I can tell by your aura.What, are you saying its not black anymore?Nostill dark, definitely. But its got a little light in it, streaks of gold. Like sunlight.Maybe your theory about me catching it from Lissa is wrong then. Id been trying very hard not to think about last night, when Id learned about Anna. Mentioning it now stirred up all those fears all over again. Insanity. Suicide.Depends, he said. When was the last time you saw her?I gave him a light punch. You have no clue, do you? Youre making this up as you go along.He caught my wrist and pulled me closer. Isnt that the way you mean(prenominal)ly operate?I grinned in spite of myself. This close to him I could appreciate just how lovely the green of his eyes was. In fact, disrespect continually making fun of him, I couldnt deny that the rest of him was pretty good-looking too. His fingers were warm on my wrist, and there was something kind of le ering about the way he held it. Thinking back to Deirdres words, I tried to assess how it all made me feel. The queens warnings aside, Adrian was a guy who was technically available. Was I attracted to him? Did I get a thrill out of this?The answer no. Not in the same way I did with Dimitri. Adrian was sexy in his way, but he didnt drive me wild the way Dimitri did. Was it because Adrian was so readily available? Was Deirdre right about me purposely wanting relationships that were impossible?You know, he said, interrupting my thoughts, under any other circumstances, this would be hot. Instead, youre looking at me like Im some kind of science fair project.That was exactly how I was treating this, actually. Why dont you ever use compulsion on me? I asked. And I dont mean just to stop me from getting in fights.Because half the fun of you is that youre so difficult.A new idea occurred to me. Do it.Do what? enjoyment compulsion on me.What? It was another of those rare shocked Adrian mome nts.Use compulsion to make me want to kiss you except you have to promise not to actually kiss me.Thats pretty weird and when I say somethings weird, you know its serious.Please.He sighed and then focused his eyes right on me. It was like drowning, drowning in seas of green. There was nothing in the world except for those eyes.I want to kiss you, Rose, he said softly. And I want you to want me too.Every aspect of his body his lips, his hands, his scent suddenly overpowered me. I felt warm all over. I wanted him to kiss me with every ounce of my macrocosm. There was nothing in life I wanted more than that kiss. I tilted my face up toward his, and he leaned down. I could a great deal taste his lips.Do you want to? he asked, voice still like velvet. Do you want to kiss me?Did I ever. Everything around me had blurred. Only his lips were in focus.Yes, I said. His face moved closer, his mouth only a hint away from mine. We were so, so close, and then He stopped. Were done, he sai d, stepping back.I snapped out of it instantly. The dreamy haze was gone, as was the yearning in my body. But Id notice something. Under compulsion, I had definitely wanted him to kiss me. Yet even under compulsion, it hadnt been the electric, all-encompassing feeling I had when I was with Dimitri, that feeling that we were a lot the same person and were bound by forces bigger than both of us. With Adrian, it had only if been mechanical.Deirdre had been wrong. If my attraction to Dimitri was just some subconscious reaction, then it should have been as superficial as that forced attraction to Adrian. Yet they were completely different. With Dimitri, it was love not just some trick my mind was playing on me.Hmm, I said.Hmm? asked Adrian, eyeing me with amusement.Hmm.The third hmm hadnt come from either of us. I looked across the hall and saw Christian watching us. I separated from Adrian, just as the bell rang. The sounds of students pouring out of classrooms rumbled through the h allway.Now I can see Lissa, said Adrian happily.Rose, will you come with me to the exhausters? asked Christian. He spoke in a flat tone, and his expression was unreadable.Im not guarding you today.Yeah, well, I miss your attractive company.I told Adrian goodbye and cut through the cafeteria with Christian. Whats up? I asked.You tell me, he said. You were the one about ready to start making out with Adrian.It was an experiment, I said. It was part of my therapy.What the hell kind of therapy are you in?We reached the feeders room. Somehow, despite him getting out of class early, there were still a hardly a(prenominal) people ahead of us in line.Why do you care? I asked him. You should be happy. It means he isnt moving in on Lissa.He could be moving in on both of you.What are you, my big brother now?Annoyed, he said. Thats what I am.I looked beyond him and saw Jesse and Ralf enter. Well, keep it to yourself, or our good friends will overhear.Jesse, however, was too lively to hear, because he was arguing with the feeding coordinator. I dont have time to wait, he told her. Ive got to be somewhere.She pointed to us and the others in line. These people are ahead of you.Jesse met her eyes and smiled. You can make an exception this time.Yeah, hes in a hurry, added Ralf in a voice Id never heard him use before. It was smooth and less pugnacious than usual. Just write his name down at the top of the list.The coordinator looked like she was going to tell them off, but then a funny, distracted look came over her face. She glanced at her clipboard and wrote something. A few seconds after she looked away, her head jerked up again, eyes sharp once more. She frowned.What was I doing?You were signing me up, said Jesse. He pointed at the board. See?She looked down, startled. Why is your name first? Didnt you just get here?We were here earlier and checked in. You told us it was okay.She looked down again, clearly puzzled. She didnt remember them coming earlier because they hadnt but she apparently couldnt figure out why Jesses name was at the top now. A moment later, she shrugged and must have decided it wasnt worth overthinking. Stand with the others, and Ill call you next.As soon as Jesse and Ralf came near us, I turned on them. You just used compulsion on her, I hissed.Jesse looked panicked for a fraction of a second then his normal swagger took over. Whatever. I just positive(p) her, thats all. What, are you going to try to tell on me or something? cypher to tell, scoffed Christian. That was the worst compulsion Ive ever seen.Like youve seen compulsion, said Ralf.Plenty, said Christian. From people prettier than you. Of course, maybe thats part of why yours isnt as good.Ralf seemed highly offended at not being considered pretty, but Jesse just nudged him and started to turn away. Forget him. He had his chance.His chance at I remembered how Brandon had attempted weak compulsion when trying to convince me his bruises were nothing. Jill had said that Brett Ozera actually had convinced a instructor that his were nothing. The teacher had dropped the matter, much to Jills surprise. Brett must have used compulsion. Lightbulbs went off in different parts of my brain. The connections were all around me. The problem was, I couldnt untangle the wires quite yet. Thats what this is about, isnt it? Your stupid Man? and its need to beat up on people. Its got something to do with compulsion.I didnt understand how it all fit together, but the strike look on Jesses face told me I was on to something, even though he said, You dont know what youre talking about.I pushed forward, hoping some blind hits would make him mad and say something he wasnt supposed to. Whats the point? Does it give you guys some kind of power trip to do these little tricks? Thats all they are, you know. You soberly dont know the first thing about compulsion. Ive seen compulsion that would make you do handstands and throw yourself out a window.Were learning more t han you can even imagine, said Jesse. And when I find out who told He didnt get a chance to finish his threat because he was called over to the feeder just then. He and Ralf stalked away, and Christian immediately turned to me.Whats going on? Whats a Man??I gave him a hasty recap of Adrians explanation. Thats what they wanted you to join. They must secretly be practicing compulsion. Adrian said these groups are always royals who have some plan to change and control things in dangerous times. They must think compulsion is the answer its what they meant when they told you they had ways to help you get what you wanted. If they knew how bad your compulsion was, they probably wouldnt have asked.He scowled, not liking me reminding him of the one time hed attempted and failed to compel someone at the ski lodge. So wheres the beating-people-up part come in?Thats the mystery, I said. Christian was summoned over to feed just then, and I put my theories on hold until I could get more info and take action. I noticed which feeder we were being led to. Is that Alice again? How do you always get her? Do you communicate her?No, but I think some people specifically un-request her.Alice was happy to see us, as always. Rose. Are you still keeping us harmless?I will if theyll let me, I told her.Dont be too hasty, she warned. preserve your strength. If youre too eager to fight the undead, you may find yourselves joining them. Then youd never see us again, and wed be very sad.Yes, said Christian. Id cry into my pillow every night.I resisted the urge to kick him. Well, I couldnt take in if I was Strigoi, yeah, but hopefully Id just die a normal death. Then I could come see you as a ghost.How sad, I thought, that I was now making jokes about the very thing that was freaking me out lately. Alice found no amusement in it any(prenominal). She shook her head.No, you wouldnt. The wards would keep you out.The wards only keep Strigoi out, I reminded her gently.A defiant look replac ed her scattered one. The wards keep anything that isnt alive out. Dead or undead.Now youve done it, said Christian.The wards dont keep ghosts out, I said. Ive seen them.Considering Alices own instability, I didnt mind discussing mine with her. In fact, it was kind of refreshing to talk about this stuff with someone who wouldnt judge me. Indeed, she treat this as a perfectly normal conversation. If youve seen ghosts, then were not upright anymore.I told you last time, the securitys too good.Maybe someone made a mistake, she argued, sounding remarkably coherent. Maybe someone missed something. Wards are made of magic. Magic is alive. Ghosts cant cross them for the same reason as Strigoi. They arent alive. If you saw a ghost, the wards have failed. She paused. Or youre crazy.Christian laughed out loud. There you go, Rose. Straight from the source. I shot him a glare. He smiled at Alice. In Roses defense, though, I think shes right about the wards. The school checks them all the time . The only place restrained better than here is the magnificent Court, and both places are overflowing with guardians. resolution being so paranoid. He fed, and I glanced away. I should have known better than to listen to Alice. She was hardly a reputable source of information, even if shed been around for a while. And yet her weird logic did make sense. If wards kept Strigoi out, why not ghosts? True, Strigoi were the dead who had come back to walk the earth, but her point was sound All of them were dead. But Christian and I were right too The wards around the school were solid. It took a lot of power to lay wards. Not every Moroi home could have them, but places like schools and the Royal Court had theirs maintained diligently. The Royal CourtId had no ghostly encounters whatsoever while we there, yet that had been incredibly stressful. If my sightings were stress-induced, wouldnt the Court and encounters with Victor and the queen have provided great opportunities for them to oc cur? The fact that Id seen nothing seemed to negate the PTSD theory. I hadnt seen ghosts until wed landed at the Martinville airport.Which didnt have wards.I nearly gasped. The Court had strong wards. Id seen no ghosts. The airport, which was part of the human world, had no wards. Id been bombarded with ghosts there. Id also seen flashes of them on the flat which was unwarded when we were in the air.I looked over at Alice and Christian. They were just about finished. Could she be right? Did wards keep out ghosts? And if so, what was going on with the school? If the wards were intact, I should see nothing just like at Court. If the wards were broken, I should be overrun just like at the airport. Instead, the Academy was somewhere in the middle. I had sightings only occasionally. It didnt make sense.The only thing I knew for sure was that if something was wrong with the schools wards, then I wasnt the only one in danger.